Memoirs, interviews and essays now widely celebrate “going no contact” with a parent. The New York Times published this, just a day ago: ”I Broke Up With My Abusive Mother. I Don’t Regret That Decision.” Another essay opens, “We’re Done: For me, with the parents I had, ‘no contact’ was the only option,” .
Given these headlines, it may feel like it’s only abusive, immature or traumatizing parents getting the pink slip these days.
But it’s not.
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Our research and clinical experiences reveal that such estrangements often happen because of specific situational factors, such as financial conflicts or problems with family businesses, wills and inheritances, rather than a long history of family dysfunction or abusive parenting. Adult children who are struggling with mental illness will sometimes cut off their well-meaning parents because they are unable to properly engage in the relationship. More fundamentally, when parents and children profoundly disagree over certain values, say, politics, religion or lifestyle choices, this can lead to estrangement.
In addition, we often see how a controlling or troubled partner can instrumentally turn an adult child away from what was once a close relationship with a parent. Or, while more common with younger children, we see one parent turn an adult child against the other during divorce.
Although any one of these dynamics may result in increased conflict between parent and child, the view that the parent is always the abuser and limiting factor to change is wrong. Based on our experience and research, the key to reconciliation—regardless of the conflict’s origins—is fostering open communication between parents and adult children, helping them navigate tensions with greater empathy and understanding.
Psychotherapists are sometimes part of the problem. They may be helpful in resolving family conflicts, but Individual therapy has replaced traditional moral and religious values as a mechanism to decide who to keep in or exclude from our lives, creating expectations of parents that are far more exacting than those in previous generations. This means that adult children may be more likely to judge their mothers and fathers as having failed in their parenting compared to previous generations.
How did we get here?
Almost daily, we read letters from estranged adult children telling us their therapists validated questionable claims of emotional abuse at their parents’ hands. We hear from therapists who label common experiences of disappointment such as not attending enough sporting events as life-altering trauma. We see caring and well-meaning parents labeled as narcissists, borderlines and sociopaths by therapists who’ve never met them. We hear about therapists and social media influencers encouraging their clients to go “no contact” as a way to establish authority, autonomy and identity. And we hear countless stories of therapists and social media influencers supporting cutoffs because it’s better for the client’s mental health, when what’s causing their mental disorder has nothing to do with their parents’ behavior.
There is no question that abusive parents are the reason for some estrangements, and in some situations continued contact can be damaging or even dangerous; we aren’t talking about those cases. But growing research shows those are in the minority.
Part of the problem is that we lack cultural models for maintaining loving relationships with family members who are sometimes difficult or hurtful. In the U.S. this may result from our emphasis on individual happiness, independence and personal growth, sometimes at the expense of our relationships with family and others. Sociologist Amy Schalet describes family relations here as governed by what she terms “adversarial individualism”: a belief that identity is created in defiance of parents rather than in collaboration with them. From this perspective, cutting off those who would limit us, family or otherwise, is cast as a virtuous act in the service of these aspirations.
However overwhelming family dynamics may appear, they are often more solvable than they seem. Both parents and adult children need to acknowledge their part. If you are the canceled parent, remember that nothing compels your children to have a relationship with you beyond their desire to be in your life. You must be willing to make amends, take responsibility for prior hurts and accept the adult child’s ideals of what a healthy relationship looks like, however much their version is at odds with your own. Even if you disagree with your adult child’s view of you, their childhood or the past, you need to be willing to listen, learn and show empathy. Whether you are objectively right or wrong is beside the point if a relationship is what you’re seeking.
If you are thinking about cutting ties with a parent or have already done so, know that there is often hope for repair. Conversations tend to end the way they begin, so a productive dialogue starts with acknowledgment rather than accusations. Labeling a parent as a narcissist or emotionally abusive is more likely to trigger defensiveness and hurt rather than openness and reflection. Instead begin by expressing what you value in them, then carefully describe the specific behaviors that cause you pain or make you feel the need for distance. Accept that you and your family won’t agree on everything, and listening to their perspective—even if you ultimately disagree—doesn’t make you weak or unassertive. While cutting off “toxic” family members is sometimes an act of courage or self-care, it can also be a way of avoiding the vulnerability needed to express feelings of hurt, misunderstanding or criticism.
In the meantime, we need to talk more about how the adult child contributes to the conflict that has put estrangement on the table. Pervasive labeling of parents as “toxic,” “immature” or “narcissistic” won’t solve family issues. It distorts the problem and keeps people from finding solutions. It also harms parents who may have made mistakes but were trying to do their best, sometimes under difficult circumstances. Counselors should look beyond parental abuse toward other factors that may be at play in estrangements including the genetic predispositions of the adult child, social class, sibling relations, cohort, friends and luck, for example
The growing narrative that estrangement is always a justified act of self-preservation doesn’t take into the complexity and messiness of family relationships. Outside situations of true trauma, there needs to be a greater emphasis on reconciliation, open dialogue and willingness on both sides to engage in repair. While most therapists may avoid reflexively encouraging estrangements, too many fail to consider all contributing factors and potential paths forward.
At their core, family relationships—like all human connections—are complex and require effort, understanding and patience. The punitive narratives that dominate the estrangement conversation leave little room for the reality that most families face. Rather than default to one-sided blame, both the parent and the adult child need to take a more thoughtful approach to their relationship.
This is an opinion and analysis article, and the views expressed by the author or authors are not necessarily those of Scientific American.